If this is parody, it’s not very good

That the author clearly meant it in all seriousness makes it pretty fucking hysterical.

On the evangelical Christian blog, christwire.org, I recently came across (if you’ll excuse the expression) this post: How to Spot a Masturbator. What the fundamentalist is wrong with these people?

If I could say just one thing, it would be, “BWAH AHAAHHAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHHAHAHA!!!”

I mean, come on. (to use a phrase) I wasn’t sure this site wasn’t a cheap imitation of The Onion after reading the sidebar [screengrab]:

Srsly?

Seriously?

Not only is masturbation something “that can be dealt with in the privacy of your own home,” (HA!)  it “also threatens workplace safety and the overall productivity of our economy.” (WTF!)

Wait, it gets better. Wanking it also causes people “to think more about sex and less about their work at hand.” [emphasis mine]

The author maintains that, despite all of the drawbacks, “masturbation still remains very popular in America.” Ya’ think?

Also, “this degree of self-manipulation goes too far in familiarizing men and women with their bodies.” How far? Not that far. (Most people stop after the second knuckle.) Evidently the god in whose image we’re supposedly created is a vile and shameful creature we should be ashamed of.

So how do you find these masturbators? “There are people who claim they can identify a masturbator with one glance.” I have but one criterion myself: do they appear to be breathing?

Get a load (for lack of a better word) of these images [which I jacked (ahem!) from their site]:

does anyone you know look like that?

The text reads: “If pushed, he will lie, cheat and steal to support his habit.” Wait, we’re still talking throttling the little German soldier, not heroin, right? “Many college students fall victim to this lifestyle.” Well it’s about time, I’d say.

OK, A) how did you become privy to the size of Snooki’s “marital aids,” or is this just something you picture in your mind – a lot? (“Tunnel of Fun” was his description, not mine.) B) Even if the size were relevant, I don’t see how the color would be, even if she used said sexual aid to apply her makeup. By contrast, I doubt sweet Penny could use her pencil-thin makeup applicators the same way. (And don’t get me started on what those lips look like they’re plumped up from.)

The last picture on the page suggests that Matt Damon’s clean cut appearance is due to abstention from personal pleasure.

Now, get this: in his bio, the author, one Stephenson Billings, is noted as a “Children’s Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package!” Hey now! Sounds perfectly innocent, I swear! Get your minds out of the gutter!

And let’s not overlook the suggested links at the bottom:

Suggested Moral Readings for You
  • Courageous Kansas State Student Gives Up Masturbating For Jesus
  • Gay Homo Agenda Makes New Penis Toy For Children
  • The funniest part? The absolute irony? In all of the comments at the bottom, the author’s own replies have been (excuse me) “thumbed down” enough to not be visible, while everyone else makes ridiculous fun of him.

    OK, let the pud pullin’, unemployed hand-shakin’, Darth Vader battlin’, chicken chokin’, Onan the Barbarian euphamisms begin.

    Best. Gay Marriage. Quote. Evar.

    “One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day,
    but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!”

    Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers

    Published in: on February 23, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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    You heard me, I called you an Asshole

    You may have already heard about this poll. It’s making its way through the “liberal media.”

    There is no doubt that  Daily Kos leans to the left. Leans, like a three-legged table with two of its legs removed.

    Anyway, the poll was conducted by a third party, one that actually conducts research. It was asked of people who self-identify as Republicans. This is what they think.

    It is Truly. Fucking. Scary.

    Anyone who thinks Palin running for President in 2012 would be nothing more than comical farce, needs to realize that there are aparently enough lunatics out there to actually get her into office.

    To wit:

    QUESTION: Do you believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be President than Barack Obama?

    Yes: 53% No: 14%  Not Sure: 33%

    Sarah said in her recent speech, “we need a commander-in-chief not a law professor.” Many, aparently, believe hockey mom to be sufficent qualification. A third aren’t convinced studying law is better.

    QUESTION: Do you believe your state should secede from the United States?

    Yes: 23% No: 58%   Not Sure: 19%

    So almost a quarter of Republicans want to break away from the Union. Only half of them think it’s a bad idea. Who “hates America” again?

    QUESTION: Should Congress make it easier for workers to form and join labor unions?

    Yes: 7%  No: 68% Not Sure: 25%

    It’s easier for me to believe that people will continue to vote against their own best interests, because those who would strip them of those interests tell them it’s a bad idea, than it is for me to believe that all Republicans (93%) are corporate stock holders, and less than one in ten of them actually labor for a living.

    QUESTION: Should openly gay men and women be allowed to serve in the military?

    Yes: 25% No: 55%  Not Sure: 19%

    A slight, very slight margin of hope.

    And then…

    QUESTION: Should same sex couples be allowed to marry?

    Yes: 7%  No: 77% Not Sure: 16%

    Nothing new here.

    QUESTION: Should gay couples receive any state or federal benefits?

    Yes: 11%  No: 68% Not Sure: 21%

    Like collecting pensions? Or being able to visit them in the hospital? Define “benefit.”

    QUESTION: Should openly gay men and women be allowed to teach in public schools?

    Yes: 8%  No: 73% Not Sure: 19%

    Yeah, because only gay teachers have sex with their students… (You certainly wouldn’t want any of them teaching your kids it was OK.)

    Here’s where it goes wonky:

    QUESTION: Should public school students be taught that the book of Genesis in the Bible explains how God created the world?

    Yes: 77% No: 15%  Not Sure: 8%

    QUESTION: Should contraceptive use be outlawed?

    Yes: 31% No: 56%  Not Sure: 13%

    Not just locked up so teenagers will be too embarassed to ask for it—outlawed. When contraceptives are outlawed only outlaws won’t have unwanted pregnancies.

    Clown car indeed

    Clown car indeed

    And for the ultimate hypocracy:

    QUESTION: Do you consider abortion to be murder?

    Yes: 76% No: 8%  Not Sure: 16%

    QUESTION: Do you support the death penalty?

    Yes: 91% No: 4%  Not Sure: 5%

    I can’t add to that.

    Oh, and in case you were wondering who’s “Not Sure:”

    Not Sure

    Not Sure

    Published in: on February 9, 2010 at 10:47 am  Leave a Comment  
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    Blowhard Christian Soldiers

    The only “social responsibility” of a Christian is to live, wherever and with whomever he may be, the life of faith, for his own salvation and as an example to others. If, in so doing, we help to ameliorate or abolish a social evil, that is a good thing – but that is not our goal. If we become desperate when our life and our words fail to convert others to the true Kingdom, that comes from lack of faith. If we would live our faith more deeply, we would need to speak of it less.

    Bl. Seraphim Rose

    From Letters from Father Seraphim, Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society, Richfield Springs, NY, 2001. A letter to Thomas Merton. (via my friend Huw)

    It occurred to me how ironic it was that political candidates were able to garner millions of dollars in contributions, but we can’t seem to find the money to help the truly needy. The irony was the candidates who claim to represent “Christian values” with $400 hair cuts.

    I was thinking about how one church could raise over $300,000 in collections from its members in order to sponsor legislation that would deny the same rights they enjoy from couples for being of the same gender.

    I was thinking about how that same, Christian, enthusiasm could have feed, clothed and housed more than a few people.

    I was also questioning how many Christian ideals are being expressed in response to the recent disaster in Haiti.

    I then wonder how many who would call themselves Christian are against providing health care to those who cannot afford it. Not only do they not want to see anyone else “enriched” from their, Christian labor, they fear health care in too short supply to risk sharing it with others, lest they not get what is theirs.

    I cannot hold fault with Christianity as a faith for the way some choose to practice it. That’s the same as hating a football team because of the actions of some of its fans. (Which some seem to have to quarrel with.)

    The message I get from Jesus, as portrayed in the Bible, is forgive everyone; love everyone, even your enemies; have compassion for every one and every thing and help everyone when you can. But then I’m not a Biblical scholar. I’ve not even read the Bible. I still think I have a better understanding of Yeshua of Nazareth’s teachings than most who claim to have a personal relationship with him. It makes me think they’ve not read any more of the book than I have.

    do who I say, not what I do

    in closing: “I’ve long thought that the solution to the cheap, cost-free moralizing that leads very upstanding people like Karl Rove to want to ban same-sex marriages (which they don’t want to enter into themselves, and thus cost them nothing) is to have those same “principles” apply consistently to all marriage laws. If Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and their friends and followers actually were required by law to stay married to their wives — the way that “traditional marriage” was generally supposed to work — the movement to have our secular laws conform to “traditional marriage” principles would almost certainly die a quick, quiet and well-deserved death.”

    http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/2010-California-Protection-of-Marriage-Act/

    clipped from www.salon.com

    Rove: Champion of “traditional” divorce

    an outspoken opponent of same-sex marriage, citing “5,000 years of understanding the institution of marriage” as his justification.  He also famously engineered multiple referenda to incorporate a ban on same-sex marriage into various states’ constitutions
    Texas’ “no-fault” divorce law,
    basically allows any married couple to simply end their marriage because they feel like it. 
    one of the states which has constitutionally barred same-sex marriages, and has a Governor who explicitly cites Christian dogma as the reason to support that provision, yet the overwhelming majority of Texan citizens make sure that there’s nothing in the law making their own marriages binding or permanent — i.e., traditional.  They’re willing to limit other people’s marriage choices on moral grounds, but not their own, and thus have a law that lets them divorce whenever the mood strikes.
      blog it
    Published in: on December 30, 2009 at 12:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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    What would Jesus buy?

    Does Black Friday mean more to you than Good Friday?

    Why are we upset that a retailer doesn’t evangelize?

    clipped from news.yahoo.com

    Christian Group Launches New Attack on Christmas Commercialism

    A women and her son buy Christmas decorations at a shop in Colombo
    “Christians get all bent out of shape over the fact that someone didn’t say ‘Merry Christmas‘ when I walked into the store. But why are we expecting the store to tell our story?
    Advent Conspiracy churches have donated millions of dollars to dig wells in developing countries through Living Water International and other organizations.
    a fraction of the money Americans spend at retailers in the month of December could supply the entire world with clean water.
    one in which people spent a little less and thought a little more, expressing their love through something more meaningful than a gift card.
    A movement like the Advent Conspiracy is countercultural on two fronts – not just fighting the secular idea that Christmas is a month-long shopping and decorating ritual, but the powerful conservative notion that the holiday requires acknowledgement from the nation’s retailers to be truly meaningful.
      blog it
    Published in: on December 16, 2009 at 12:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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    2010 California Marriage Protection Act | Safeguarding marriage from the evils of divorce

    2010 California Marriage Protection Act | Safeguarding marriage from the evils of divorce.

    Best. Cause. Ever.

    Seems some would like to choose from the scriptures like it was a buffet.

     

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    Define “pre-existing”

    John 1 (Americans 0):

    (via crosswalk.com)

    ı In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being 4 in him was life, and the life was the light of all people.

    I can have been in multiple auto accidents – causing all of them through my own faults – have had my driving privilege revoked (temporarily), and still be able to purchase (government mandated) auto insurance (albeit at a higher cost).

    I can purchase a home in southern California and many agencies would still sell me flood, mudslide and fire insurance, though it would be more costly than for someone in, say, Montana.

    The point is, I could get it.

    How does, “sorry, you had that before you got here,” only apply when you’re paying for medical care?

    If I’m a woman and I’ve had a C-section or been the victim of domestic abuse, or if I was born with a congenital health issue and turn 18 and am no longer covered under my parents’ plan, under all the circumstances I can find myself unable to acquire health insurance. They just won’t sell it to me.

    Or, having an insurance policy, if I change jobs and get a new employer-sponsored health plan or my current employer changes providers, or again am the above woman, I can, legally, be denied payment for necessary treatments.

    Sometimes we need to pay for conditions we already have. And if we’re paying for “just in case,” we expect the case to be paid for, should the time arise.

    Without payment there is no treatment. Without treatment, there is severe illness and death. And we allow this to go on.

    The idea that something could have existed in some form before it became manifest is a debate for theologians, philosophers and quantum physicists. Not politicians and lobbyists. And if more insurers employed more theologians and philosophers, there wouldn’t be much of a debate at all.

    Word.

    Published in: on November 3, 2009 at 11:06 am  Leave a Comment  
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