The Most Honest Women’s Magazine Cover Ever | Adweek

This is what I used to do for a living.

(not exactly, but in a way)

The Most Honest Women’s Magazine Cover Ever | Adweek.

Honesty? Honestly...

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teh Javascript

teh Javascript

T’was filling up the SEO
Conspired to Google up the rank,
All missing were the meta tags
And the keywords, they stank.

Beware teh Javascript, my man!
The flaws that munge, the memory leaks!
Beware the visual basic and
Those dubious system tweaks.

He took his Drupal code in hand:
Long time the CMS he sought;
So tested he the decision tree
And errors they were caught.

And in the bloated code he wrote,
Teh Javascript embeds iFrames,
And floods his inbox with harsh notes,
And inappropriate names:

“You n00b! you n00b! You view YouTube
with Drupal code in wrong syntax!”
He marked them Read, and hung his head,
And recompiled Ajax

And has thou learned teh Javascript?
The forum mods and admins say,
“We hate your sig, your gifs too big.
We took some ranks away.”

T’was filling up the SEO
Conspired to Google up the rank,
All missing were the meta tags
And the keywords, they stank.

Published in: on October 3, 2011 at 9:06 am  Comments (1)  
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If this is parody, it’s not very good

That the author clearly meant it in all seriousness makes it pretty fucking hysterical.

On the evangelical Christian blog, christwire.org, I recently came across (if you’ll excuse the expression) this post: How to Spot a Masturbator. What the fundamentalist is wrong with these people?

If I could say just one thing, it would be, “BWAH AHAAHHAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHHAHAHA!!!”

I mean, come on. (to use a phrase) I wasn’t sure this site wasn’t a cheap imitation of The Onion after reading the sidebar [screengrab]:

Srsly?

Seriously?

Not only is masturbation something “that can be dealt with in the privacy of your own home,” (HA!)  it “also threatens workplace safety and the overall productivity of our economy.” (WTF!)

Wait, it gets better. Wanking it also causes people “to think more about sex and less about their work at hand.” [emphasis mine]

The author maintains that, despite all of the drawbacks, “masturbation still remains very popular in America.” Ya’ think?

Also, “this degree of self-manipulation goes too far in familiarizing men and women with their bodies.” How far? Not that far. (Most people stop after the second knuckle.) Evidently the god in whose image we’re supposedly created is a vile and shameful creature we should be ashamed of.

So how do you find these masturbators? “There are people who claim they can identify a masturbator with one glance.” I have but one criterion myself: do they appear to be breathing?

Get a load (for lack of a better word) of these images [which I jacked (ahem!) from their site]:

does anyone you know look like that?

The text reads: “If pushed, he will lie, cheat and steal to support his habit.” Wait, we’re still talking throttling the little German soldier, not heroin, right? “Many college students fall victim to this lifestyle.” Well it’s about time, I’d say.

OK, A) how did you become privy to the size of Snooki’s “marital aids,” or is this just something you picture in your mind – a lot? (“Tunnel of Fun” was his description, not mine.) B) Even if the size were relevant, I don’t see how the color would be, even if she used said sexual aid to apply her makeup. By contrast, I doubt sweet Penny could use her pencil-thin makeup applicators the same way. (And don’t get me started on what those lips look like they’re plumped up from.)

The last picture on the page suggests that Matt Damon’s clean cut appearance is due to abstention from personal pleasure.

Now, get this: in his bio, the author, one Stephenson Billings, is noted as a “Children’s Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package!” Hey now! Sounds perfectly innocent, I swear! Get your minds out of the gutter!

And let’s not overlook the suggested links at the bottom:

Suggested Moral Readings for You
  • Courageous Kansas State Student Gives Up Masturbating For Jesus
  • Gay Homo Agenda Makes New Penis Toy For Children
  • The funniest part? The absolute irony? In all of the comments at the bottom, the author’s own replies have been (excuse me) “thumbed down” enough to not be visible, while everyone else makes ridiculous fun of him.

    OK, let the pud pullin’, unemployed hand-shakin’, Darth Vader battlin’, chicken chokin’, Onan the Barbarian euphamisms begin.

    Springtime for Winter (and Canada)

    You know that part of The Producers (and I’m referencing the original, Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder version) when the opening sequence of “Springtime for Hitler” starts? And the audience sits there, staring, slackjawed, as the parade of grotesque stereotypes of German “culture” are paraded past?

    Well, that was my impression of the Olympic closing ceremonies.

    Published in: on February 28, 2010 at 10:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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    Best. Gay Marriage. Quote. Evar.

    “One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day,
    but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!”

    Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers

    Published in: on February 23, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
    Tags: , , ,

    Right twice a day

    My wife is complaining about her new watch – which happens to be my watch. That it was once mine gives her license to speak disparagingly about it.

    “This watch is crap.” As is everything that is or once was mine, including my new smartphone (on which I’m writing this), one of our cars and our computer. While the computer was financed jointly, as resident geek it is my duty to maintain it. So, even though she has her own login, settings, applications, etc., and even though I can usually use it without issue, when something isn’t working as well or as fast as it should, it’s crap.

    The issue with my… her new watch is the date window. She says the date doesn’t advance at midnight like it should.

    “Is it advancing at all?” I ask with the voice of an experienced help desk analyst.

    “Yes, but it’s advancing in the middle of the day, not at midnight.”

    “So you’re saying the date is advancing at noon, not at midnight?”

    “Yes.”

    I had to repeat that at least once more before it started to sink in. I eventually got a “shut up” out of her, as she started to reset the watch.

    Published in: on January 6, 2010 at 1:55 pm  Leave a Comment  

    What would Jesus buy?

    Does Black Friday mean more to you than Good Friday?

    Why are we upset that a retailer doesn’t evangelize?

    clipped from news.yahoo.com

    Christian Group Launches New Attack on Christmas Commercialism

    A women and her son buy Christmas decorations at a shop in Colombo
    “Christians get all bent out of shape over the fact that someone didn’t say ‘Merry Christmas‘ when I walked into the store. But why are we expecting the store to tell our story?
    Advent Conspiracy churches have donated millions of dollars to dig wells in developing countries through Living Water International and other organizations.
    a fraction of the money Americans spend at retailers in the month of December could supply the entire world with clean water.
    one in which people spent a little less and thought a little more, expressing their love through something more meaningful than a gift card.
    A movement like the Advent Conspiracy is countercultural on two fronts – not just fighting the secular idea that Christmas is a month-long shopping and decorating ritual, but the powerful conservative notion that the holiday requires acknowledgement from the nation’s retailers to be truly meaningful.
      blog it
    Published in: on December 16, 2009 at 12:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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    Why I like Woot

    yeah, cool stuff at great discounts is nice, but the fact that someone actually goes through the effort to write this stuff – daily – keeps my attention.

    (Note: if you’re unfamiliar with woot.com, if you visit the site after today, the deal mentioned below will have changed.)

    clipped from www.woot.com

    There’s only one gadget column on the web with the unique perspective that comes from being transported through time to discover that you can no longer control your bowels.

    And here it is. That’s right, Fjafalgnjir the Vexed is back for another installment of Ask an Incontinent Viking. When this 11th-century Danish warrior found himself in a world he never made, did he cower from the iron dragons in the sky, or flee in terror from the “sorcery” of a standard light bulb? Well, for a day or two, yeah. And the whole incontinence thing wounded his warrior’s pride. But he got up, dusted himself off, wiped himself off, and found work answering your tech questions.

    I love naught in life so well as my Mattel handheld football game, a wonder more thrilling even than the heaving teats of Gerðr. But it eats batteries the way vitterfolk devour goatling flesh.
      blog it
    Published in: on April 17, 2009 at 9:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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    Funny condom ad

    NSFW(OBA) not safe for work (or balloon animals)

    the “outtakes” are pretty funny, too

    clipped from www.boingboing.net
      blog it
    Published in: on January 15, 2009 at 3:05 pm  Leave a Comment  
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