Hershey’s Packaging Perfectly Contradicts Itself – mediabistro.com: AgencySpy

From the post: “It’s bad enough that Hershey’s has the audacity to make health-benefit claims on a bottle containing chocolate syrup. But by some oddity of logic, the nutrition facts lists the daily calcium percentage at “0%”. During a recession, flat is the new up?”


via Hershey’s Packaging Perfectly Contradicts Itself – mediabistro.com: AgencySpy.

Published in: on December 8, 2009 at 11:19 am  Comments (1)  

May Contain Nuts

This is something I recalled while reading the allergen warning on my lunch. I remembered buying a jar of roasted peanuts some time ago, and reading, near the bottom, “WARNING: May Contain Nuts.”

Excuse me, “may contain nuts?” It fucking damn well better contain nuts!

So I’ve finally come up with a title for the blog I started over on Salon.com.

I didn’t think it needed its own title, seeing as it’s all just reposting the stuff from my other two blogs, with exactly the same content and the same name, “Procrastinate Now!” [Blogger] [WordPress] Really just more places to showcase the same mediocrity, in the vain hope someone will notice.

Much like the character “Wonko the Sane” in the late Douglas Adams’s So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish, I realized that any society that required such warnings was ultimately doomed. Not just for the social Darwinism that attempts to save the lowest common denominator from themselves, muddying the intellectual gene pool, but for making it acceptable for otherwise rational people to stop paying attention. (In the book, John Watson christens himself Wonko the Sane after discovering the instructions on a box of toothpicks. Yes, instructions. On toothpicks.) Ironically, anyone daft enough to not understand that a jar of nuts might actually contain them, or why that might be important, is highly unlikely to read that far down a label.

Their lawyer might, but that’s just a symptom of a larger problem. I don’t fault Planters so much for putting the warning there as I do lament that they felt they needed to protect themselves in doing so. You can’t save people from their own stupidity (we may actually have to contend with “Palin for President”, coincidentally right around the time of the apocalypse) but you can try to save yourself. If people can sue McDonald’s for making them fat, it’s a slippery slope to the point where someone sues a peanut grower for not telling them they might be allergic – a lard-slathered slope we continue to grease.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t be informed as to what’s in our food – quite the contrary. Someone with severe allergies to things like nuts (there’s such a child at my son’s school) really needs to know what’s been put in the food they buy. I, on the other hand, don’t have any such reactions, but I still would like to know what it is I’m eating.

And here we have the heart of the matter (and, as some speculate, the source of these neo-allergens): we are so far removed from our food sources that we’re not entirely sure what we’re eating is at all benificial, let alone harmful. I mean, I can see the peanuts through the clear plastic jar, despite anything the jar might be labeled, and yet I still turned it over to check the ingredients. Ingredients. On a jar of peanuts.

The industrial revolution saw the most nutritous part of wheat, the germ, ground completely out of our now bleached white flour. (It keeps longer.) But our modern “culture” (in a manner like bacteria are cultured) feels a need to add high-fructose corn syrup to our bread, because we don’t have enough candy and soda we need to make our bread sweet, too.

The Green Revolution is happening, albeit slowly. The rise of stores like Whole Foods is a testament. Enough people believe the “statistical coincidence” of HFCS being used as a sweetener in everything correlating with a dramatic rise in obesity rates (or that countries that don’t subsidise their corn crop don’t share the weight problem). It is so much the pathogen du jour that the Corn Refiners Association has started making ads belittling and mocking the concern (with our tax dollars, no less).

Nothing to see here, folks, waddle along…

Published in: on February 24, 2009 at 6:11 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Lonely teen? Kill yourself – it’s your only option, and it’s funny, says Pepsi

For everyone horrified by the new Pepsi ads, everyone who’s had a personal experience with suicide and is sickened by it, there’s some yahoo saying, “it’s just an ad, relax, it’s funny.”

Personally, I’m not so distraught by the idea, let alone graphical representation, of a cartoon blob killing itself, than I am by the belief that it’s a fait accompli that’s what you do when you’re lonely. Not a smart message for the product’s target demographic.

clipped from adage.com

Pepsi Opens a Vein of Controversy With New Suicide-Themed Ads

blog it

From the comments:

People keep commenting how beautiful the Pepsi ad illustrations are, as if that mitigates the offense. It’s like saying, “she killed her boyfriend, but she’s gorgeous”.


– Michelle McCormack | Boston, MA

Published in: on December 4, 2008 at 12:24 pm  Comments (1)  

Read the label: It’s the cheesiest

There’s nothing like the taste of cheese. And this, I assure you, is nothing like the taste of cheese.

I’m not sure what makes me more ill, that there’s a half-dozen or more products, all representing the various states of matter, all named “fat free topping,” or that one of those states could be less than 100% grated.

I mean, just what is this product, exactly? It’s next to the grated “cheese,” and it’s similarly packaged, so you’re left to infer it’s of similar purpose. But, as you can see, the only claims it makes are that it’s “fat free” and it’s “grated,” one hundred percent. (sorry, we’ve been reading more Horton.)

Oh, and it’s a “topping.” Not to be confused with fat free whipped topping, however (or the non-dairy whipped topping, or the fat free non-dairy whipped topping – though it should make you wonder what “non-dairy” item(s) laden with fat could be whipped into a topping, what fat free versions of them there are, why they still sell both and why you would choose to top anything you ate with them). They’re fat free, so they must be good for you.

Really, how much of this synthetic oil emulsion dandruff do you expect to shower over your Caesar salad (or gooey eggplant parmigiana) that you have to worry about it being fat free? And for the whipped cream pretenders, just what are we supposed to put it on that being fat free would make any difference?

Do you know what Cool Whip® is? Lard. That’s right, processed animal fat, like they use to make soap – with sugar in it. Did you know they made a “light” Cool Whip? How, exactly, do you make a low-fat fat? (how much fat in a low-fat fat, if a pole cat spat that fat?) Think about that the next time you’re watching some housefrau scoop it up with baby carrots.

And I can hear all the milk-challenged people now, crying about how glandular discharge from a cow’s teat could kill them. Shouldn’t you people get over your cheese envy already? If you really have problems that Gas-X® won’t help, you’re probably not prone to eating Caesar salad, you’re not going near a parmigiana, and you sure as shit aren’t eating ice cream.

Then there’s the vegans. Most of the self-compelled herbivores I know eat very healthily – most would not put crap like this into their bodies (well, they wouldn’t eat it). But there’s the other ones – lifetime PETA members with “meat is murder” bumper stickers (funny how you don’t see that the other way around; if A=B, B=A, right?) who would like to believe they don’t have canine teeth for a reason. Load your plate with veggies if you will, but don’t (like your mom told you) imagine it’s something else. If your idea of “sausage” is extruded soy gelatin, if your “burgers” are made of bean paste, then think about poor Wilbur all you want, but you’re going to start drooling when you get a whiff of some frying bacon.

I once knew a woman who didn’t eat meat. No, she wasn’t the anemic bag of antlers who tried to tell me humans can’t digest animal proteins (yeah, that happened), she just didn’t like the taste (which I can respect). Her family, wanting to include her in the family cookout, would buy tofu “sausage” and veggie “burgers,” and felt, “it’s OK, they taste just like meat” was a selling point. Don’t want it? Don’t eat it. If Pavlov could get to you with the scent of barbecue sauce, then eat the freakin’ thing already – stop pretending you’re somehow “above” that. (don’t let the pictures fool you, nothing died to make the food in that link; at least, nothing that wasn’t a migrant day-laborer who didn’t have it coming.)

[Full disclosure: I’ve had vegetarian BBQ shredded “pork” and found it better than OK (I’d eat it again), but the tofu “sausage” I tried once (because “it’s got the same spices so it tastes exactly the same…”) made me want to lick the bottom of my shoe to get the taste out of my mouth.]

But back to the pencil eraser debris in a can – they don’t even try to stick the word “cheese” on it, the way my son’s macaroni and hydrologized cottonseed and/or palm kernel oil with natural and artificial flavorings does. It’s not even a “cheese food product.” (and just what is cheese if not food?) No one can convince me there’s a justifiable reason to manufacture, let alone give shelf space to such non-comestibles. They continue to sell this crap because people continue to buy it. It just proves that marketing aphorism, it doesn’t matter what’s in the can as long as the pictures on the outside are pretty.

Published in: on October 14, 2008 at 7:22 pm  Leave a Comment  
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